Here I am at 43 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” like that is really something anyone does?
There’s a list of things I would love to be known for:
- An Artist
- A Writer / Story Teller
- A Podcaster
- A Silly Goose
- A Good Human
- And…. even tho everyone who gets murdered in a true crime story gets described as such I think it would be nice to be known as someone who “lights up a room.”
But is there ONE thing that I am passionate about? I wish that the answer was yes. But it’s not. One minute I want to focus on art, then the next it’s writing….and then it all becomes overwhelming and I feel like giving it all up and become “normal”….ya know someone who is happy, genuinely happy going to work and then home to do everyday life things. But, I have never fit into that category. It kinda sucks to be honest. I wish I could be like that. I seem to be cursed, even tho it’s seen as a blessing, as someone who wants to live outside that box. Be a creator. Be that human who creates art, tells stories…. and all the things that come with that.
Then there is the agonizing list of alter egos! oh my God…those can be killers, man. The part of me that wishes she had the skill and guts to sing in a band. Be the Kay Hanley or the Jenny Lewis I always wished I was. Singing at the top of my lungs in my car doesn’t get me too far. Don’t get me wrong, it’s SO much fun pretending to be a rock star while flying down the 110 freeway in my Prius letting my imagination go wild. But as soon as I turn that car off….all bets are off. No way, would I ever do that in public. I wish I was brave like Gina. ( if you don’t that reference go watch Empire Records right NOW. I mean it. Go. I’ll wait here for you.)
Am I going through some sort of midlife crisis? Or am I a late bloomer who is JUST figuring herself out? I think it’s a little bit of the former and A LOT of the latter. Age is a wild thing. At 39 I felt too old. At 40 I felt like I could take on the world. 41-43 have felt like a nightmare a lot of the time. I feel like I am 14 again and the world both giant and tiny at the same time.
To quote Evelyn Couch ( Fried Green Tomatoes ) – “I’m too old to be young and too young to be old. Maybe I’m just going crazy.”
I feel that to the CORE.
I will be the first person to tell ANYONE that they are not too old to do what they want. But I can’t find a way to tell that to myself.
I am inspired yet so tired….which turns into the dreaded Uninspired.
I don’t know who will read this. But if you are reading this and relate, please let me know that I am not alone.
XO, Christie
