I have spent quite a bit thinking about this subject lately. I especially began to think of it yesterday after my therapy session. In the session it was shown to me that I have had a fear of being my authentic self for far too long. I won’t go into details about the intimate moments of that conversation however I would like to share a bit of my heart with y’all about it.
All my life I was always the silly, outgoing, goofy and fearless girl! That was up until about 3 or 4 years ago. It’s as if one day crap hit the fan and I slowly began to be very aware of and or care what people said or thought of me. Usually I would say to myself, “ Don’t worry about it, Gee! You be you and that is everyone else’s problem if they don’t like it.” Where did this new sense of fear of being my authentic self come from?!?!?
Flash forward a little and I began to really let what I “thought” people said about me really impact how I felt about myself and how I began to live my life. Sure, I of course am partly to blame for my slow transition into the version of myself that I see today. I somehow forgot who I was and began to transform into who I thought I was supposed to be.
I began to be convinced that I was the following:
Too Silly or Too Optimistic
I have always been drawn to the silly parts of life, people, movies, culture, etc. I knew that the world was full of darkness yet I remained hopeful for a brighter future. A hope that change could happen and that even I could do a tiny part in making the world brighter. That usually was me thinking I could promote joy and optimism however possible, whether that be via jokes, hugs, silly little drawings, mixtapes (when I was younger) and more recent times social media and blogging.
I was the lover or all things colorful and bright when it came to fashion! I rocked bangs and hair that was compared to that of Zooey Deschanel’s character in New Girl and I was proud of it! I didn’t dress or act this way because of this character. In fact when the show started people would message me that her character reminded them of me. I was just naturally very bubbly and outgoing and I was happy. I think that this version of myself opened doors for me to meet new people and have access to people who inspired me! That is when I decided to start interviewing some of my favorite musicians and sharing my heart with the world via the blog you are at today!
Then the day came where I felt my eyes were open to the fact that many people can truly be awful and I began to be afraid to trust people, especially those of the male persuasion. ( I have shared a little about this in past post) Through what started as interviewing people who I admired snowballed into seeing the realistic side to many of them. Although I found so many amazing friendships through this part of my life, sadly there were too many moments during that time of being talked to in a sexually harassing manner. This was a way of life I had NEVER EVER experienced and it broke my heart. That moment I began to shy away from people because I felt ashame of who I was. I began to feel like something was wrong with me. When I confronted guys about how it made me feel I was always told that I “heard them the wrong way” or “I was overthinking things.” When it came to be known that I did not want to sleep with a certain person or send explicit photos on more than one occasion I would literally never hear from some of those men again. I felt like I wasn’t worth getting to know and it just hurt. **disclaimer: this is not a judgment for those who have a concentual relationship and take part in these things. I however did not have anything close to any of the sort with these guys and it felt like they assumed they were “owed” that from me. THAT is what I find heartbreaking. **
I remember mentioning this to someone and getting an answer long the lines of, “that’s just how guys are!” That made me feel like I was so dumb for believing in people. I became very very aware of this bubble that I was living in. I also felt wrong or childish for not understanding this new world I had stumbled into. After that time in my life I really started to evaluate how I lived my life and how I viewed people.
I have always been a very anxious soul by nature. I am learning now that I can do things to change that. However up until now I always just leaned on the fact that “it’s just how I am wired” as a crutch. Yes, I am wired that way. But I believe that there is some re-wiring that can be done.Since I am just really getting to know about this re-wiring of sorts I have spent the last couple years in a little invisible cave that I have put myself in. Especially over the last couple years.
I used to love fashion and cute little dresses. These days you can find me in leggings ALL THE TIME. I used to say “leggings are NOT pants!’ But today…I break my own rule all day everyday. I used to have fun with hair , makeup and take fun little selfies. Today I am rocking a pixie cut because I shaved my hair off! This wasn’t really something I did because I was anxious but I know that if I wouldn’t of done that a few years ago because I worked so hard on growing my hair out. So it kinda of honestly shocked me when I did it. I rocked it and it was fun! Yet…deep down I knew it wasn’t really who I was. If you were to go search my Instagram over the last year or so you will see a lot of “throwback” photos because I have been insecure about my image. Due to the fact that I have been in my cave and not getting out I fell into a bit of depression and kind of stopped caring about my health. I have been going back to the gym and feeling better about myself but the honest to God truth is that I have just been so sad for too long and it took a big toll on my self image. I have cancelled plans with people because I am worried what they will think of me. It’s not healthy. I have been hesitant to share the story I have been working on as well because I have been in such fear of criticism. THAT BREAKS MY HEART. That story is something I have been dreaming about for years and I just stopped dreaming. It’s been so frustrating to believe I found that one thing I was wanting to really do with my life and being afraid of sharing it.
Last week I was scrolling though my Instagram feed allll the way back to my very first post! That was 6,919 photos ago. Dang. I began to see the decline of my personality, my fearlessness and my belief that the world was indeed not a pile of poo! It was eye opening and also inspiring. I then decided it was time to go find that true version of myself again and hug her and never let her go.
Yes the world is scary, but it doesn’t mean that there isn’t beauty in it.
Yes I am still anxious, but that doesn’t mean I am stuck that way.
Yes fashion is a personal choice. If anyone wants to rock leggings as pants it DOESN’T matter! (I hope it’s obvious that of course this is not limited to leggings. Thats just an an example. You do you!) I now want to say, “Hey! Rock those leggings as pants! And if I want to wear neon polka dots, multicolored prints, shave my head, grown my hair and play with Snapchat filters that make me look like puppies in a selfie that is ok too!”
There of course are so many more examples of how anyone chooses to live their life is their own choice! I think it is terrible for anyone to make people feel bad about their choices, fashion, beliefs, sexual preferences, etc. In the words of Kacey Musgraves, “You can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. Some like it black, some like it green. Nobody’s everybody’s favorite, so you might as well just make it how you please. ‘Cause you can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. Why would you want to be?” LOVE & RESPECT ALWAYS WIN!
In the end all that really matters is that you are YOU. As for me:
I can can make a difference in this world.
I can stand up for justice.
I can have my political opinion (even when it’s not the “popular” voice).
I can stand up for those who need my voice.
I can vote to make a change in my city and this country.
I can think Jesus is alright with me and still love those who disagree.
I can be, in the words of Jenny Lawson, FURIOUSLY HAPPY!
Be truthful to who you are and don’t hurt anyone. It’s really not that hard.
I am going to end with some of my most favorite quotes from people who make me smile and inspire me.
“Never stop believing that fighting for what is right is worth it.” – Hillary Clinton
“Don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of it’s own.” Michelle Obama
”Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Make decisions based on what should happen, not what shouldn’t.”- Michelle Obama
”You do not have to say anything to the haters. You don’t have to acknowledge them at all. You just have to wake up every morning and be the best you can be, and that tends to shut them up.”- Michelle Obama
“Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.” – Tina Fey
”There’s no rule that says I have to live life like everyone else.’- Russell Brand
”Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.”- Russell Brand
”There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never.”- Ryan Adams
“Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do.”- Amy Poehler
”I get worried for young girls sometimes. I want them to feel that they can be sassy and full and weird and geeky and smart and independent and not so withered and shriveled.”- Amy Poehler
”It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for.” – Amy Poehler
”There’s power into looking silly and not caring that you do.”- Amy Poehler
“You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.”- Amy Poehler
Thank you for supporting this blog of mine!
Lots of love and hugs!
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Music: Jerika Hayes / Teeth Dreams