If you have followed me for sometime you know that I have been talking about writing a story/novel/manuscript. I even had the first two chapters posted in this blog for y’all to read. I understand that this a pretty unconventional way of doing things in the writing world. Let me explain why I did this and why those chapters are no longer posted here.
Yesterday I met with a friend who is also working on a writing project. We talked over coffee and wrote a little bit together. We talked about how we shared our work with others to gain a little feedback. As she talked about how she sends her work to people who’s opinion she valued, I began to think about how my way of sharing my writing was totally different. She asked me who I shared my stuff with it and my answer was “I post the chapters on my blog as I finish them.” When she asked me why, the best answer I had was that I wanted community. When I used to interview musicians I had made my way into this fun world where people would talk to me about what I posted, bands & musicians would share our interviews and I felt like I was actually doing something valuable with my life. It felt good. I felt important and it was exciting. When I stopped interviewing people, for various reasons, I slowly fell off people’s radar. I understand that to a point because to most of them, the music world was what we had in common.
When I decided to pursue this goal of writing I really longed for a community again. I was hoping by sharing chapter by chapter of this story, based on MUSIC and my life I would find this BIG group of people who would enjoy reading it. I was wrong and it was debilitating. For the record, I am not writing this story to gain validation from the world, but man it feels good to know someone out there cares as much about it as I did. When I would post interviews with bands I would get text messages, comments and I would even meet people at shows who would be readers of my blog. It was such a good feeling to know that I was a part of their world in some small way. I think this is true of anyone who puts themselves out there! I know it is true for my friend I had coffee with. We discussed how hard it was to share our work and our heart with the world and feel like not a single person was listening. This was especially true when it came to our close circle of humans. It’s interesting that the people who I have gotten the most feedback from are strangers who I met on Instagram. And even though they are so sweet and encouraging I began to believe this LIE that I was no longer important to those I held close to my heart.
It takes some really tough skin to be vulnerable and wow, I am learning that. Today I am writing this with chest pains and a lingering panic attack. I have to keep reminding myself that I will one day again find my community again. I just need to keep writing and dreaming and most importantly working at it! I look forward to the day when I share the finished story with the world. I just dont think it’s a good idea for me to share it like I was anymore. I thought I was ready for it, but I have found I am not made that way and that’s ok. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding something close to protect it and my heart for a bit longer.
Ok! So if you’re wondering what the new plan is, this is it!
I am gonna keep writing.
I am gonna keep it up for ME.
I am gonna keep searching for that community.
I am also starting a podcast soon that I am super excited for. STAY TUNED!
To those of you who have supported me with your comments, text messages and Instagram shares of my story, blog and account I truly treasure that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
One day we will look at these days and think “remember when you first started talking about writing that story?!” It’s going to be great. On days when I’m like “who am I to even try and take on this HUGE task” I think of this quote…
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the ongoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy of creativity is self-doubt.” – Sylvia Plath
I’ll end on this….
“So grab this world by it’s clothes pins and shake it out again and again. And jump on top for a spin. And when you hop off shake it off for this is yours. Make, Make my words worth, make it not just another poem that I write not just like another poem like another night, make it like it’s heavy about us all, walk into it breath it in let it crash through the halls of your arms like the millions of years of millions poets coursing like blood pumping, pushing and making you live, shaking the dust! So when the world knocks at your front door clutch the knob and open on up, running forward into it’s wide spread greeting arms with your hands before you your fingertips trembling, though they may be.” – Anis Mojgani (do yourself a favor and listen to this whole poem HERE.)