I have found a new kindred spirit and her name is Angela Chase. She lives in the 90’s and lives within a show called ‘My So Called Life.’ Other than the fact that we both share a love of ever changing hair colors, I feel as if I can relate to her so much. Here are some of the words she has said that when I heard her speak them I thought….” YES. EXACLTLY.” Let me elaborate.
(Angela’s quotes in bold)
“Sometimes, someone says something really small, and it just fits into this empty place in your heart…”
I can relate to this in two ways. First is the fact that my G.A.D. (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) is always with me I seem to over think most of what is said to me a daily basis. It’s awful. I am currently seeing a therapist to work on this very thing. The second way I can relate is that there are moments when someone says the RIGHT thing that I needed to hear and that moment in time it’s perfect and just what is needed to make my heart happy and for a brief time not feeling physical pain and tightness. Those rare moments when I feel set free from the anxieties that bully me are priceless.
“Things were getting to me. Just how people are. How they always expect you to be a certain way.”
Most people that I meet on a daily basis know that I am mostly quirkIy, bubbly, silly and happy. When anxiety hits me (which is so much more these days than normal) I go to this place internally that overtakes the outward expressions that I am known for. When people expect you to be a certain way it is hard when you feel you are unable to be that wonderful way that they expect you to be. If you know me personally, you will know I am “in it” when I become quiet. It takes everything inside of me to be that person that everyone expects me to be. Deep down I am always that person. Sometimes I just can’t express it.
“Everybody’s an act. Including you.”
Holy Mole. Especially here in Los Angeles and social media. There is so much to be said about this I don’t even know where to begin. Just know that not one person in this world has it all together. Every single person has a battle. In the end….be nice to people. I know from experience that kindness goes a long way when I feel overwhelmed.
“People alway say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is even. But every so often I’ll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough.”
Yes…it is good to be yourself. Just know that “Being yourself” is constantly changing. That can be a wonderful thing. Growing up is good. Learning is good. Life brings change and you adapting to those things IS being yourself. There is never an ending to being yourself. If I chose to be myself 20 years ago and stuck with that ONE way…I would not be who I am today. Sometimes I miss that version of me from when I was younger, however the endless unknown opportunities excite me and I want to BE MYSELF has myself changes.
“That all of this happened. That you have emotions. That you can’t, like, treat me one way in front of your friends and the next minute leave me some note.”
I experienced this so much before I was married. Boys were boys and that sort of thing just happened. What really bothers me is when it happens in “non-romantic” ways. For example: If you know someone who is super chatty with you on social media but in real life will never text you when you are having a hard time, or find time to spend with you…that is un-cool. Be there or not. I am glad I have a solid group of pals. Love them to pieces. My goal is to make that more known to them.
“You know what I’d really like? To be put out of my misery.”
Anxiety is a bully and I hate it. I am working hard on finding ways to cope and be ok with the unknowns and the parts of life that leave me emotionally paralyzed at times. Don’t get me wrong…life is beautiful and I know that. Sometimes it is really tough to remember that and actually FEEL that.
One day at a time. One hour at time. Sometimes….one minute at a time.
Can’t say it enough. Life is beautiful. You are worth love, happiness and joy.
If you are one who struggles like I do..stay strong.
If you know of someone who does…be there for them. They need you more than you know.